I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
