Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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