some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
