She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize