Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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