He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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