Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
