broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
