i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
the day after is always just damage control
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
