just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
