Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
