The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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