I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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