Hey man sorry I got all grabby
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
