dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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