you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
