70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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