My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
