I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
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