I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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