i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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