: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
