Sober January is a disaster.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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