shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
