life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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