he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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