Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
