Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
