Me too!
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
