i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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