im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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