The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize