Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
