OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
