I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
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