I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
