hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
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