apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
