you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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