she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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