Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Randomize
