do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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