I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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