Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Randomize
