life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
