my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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