Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
