Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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