Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Randomize