i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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