Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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