my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
