Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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