I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize