I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
