Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
