My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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