Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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