I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
