I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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