Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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