i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
