she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
We got so high we made milksteak
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
