I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
