she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
