Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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